08/20 - Recap

We started the session with the continuation of last week - getting the ladies to express their feelings about loosing roommates:
 * came alone, will leave alone therefore no need for attachment to anyone here (a way of protecting their heart)
 * it was deserved because those who were sent out got out what they put in
To the question: are you aware of the rules and their consequences? and do you understand them? - they all said  yes, that they clearly know the rules, they understand them and know about the consequences of not respecting them.
We ended this part of the discussion with the promise that the ladies will try to tone down the currently high negative vibes around them by spreading positivity in form of support of one another, kindness, and consideration in dealing with one another! :-) :-)

Out of our 'values' list, we started with "communication". How big or important 'listening' is a part to communication? the following are some of the answers from the ladies:
 - When you listen you get the most out of what is being said and what you yourself saying?
 - How can you respond to something you haven't heard yet?
 - listening will help you understand better what is being said
 - listening might help you see things better ... etc.
Listening with open mind and open heart means listening actively, listening to understand, listening with attention and this can only be done quietly with quiet mind .... not just shutting up long enough  for the partner to finish talking just so we can say what we have on our mind. This is the worst kind of passive listening as we listen without hearing anything.
On the other hand if we practice a bit of an active-listening, we might be able to see beyond what our partner is not saying or is having difficulties putting in words or expressing.

The Session ended with a very beautiful illustration of communication - The ladies took turn talking and listening to one another in giving advice and suggestions to a question that one of them had asked: "How to get a partner to listen and understand that she needs dew minutes away to cool off in the midst of a heated argument/fight?"
My take: It was beautiful witnessing them make their suggestions, backing up their point of view in an orderly manners without cutting one another off, actually responding to what the previous person  had said - which shows that they were actually listening not just waiting to talk! It was beautiful and after pointing it out to them that they do have it in them to be active good listeners, we made a promise that we would try to practice this in our ideal partnership or couple relationship. :-)

08/20 - question

How do you think the shelter runs?
Are you aware of the rules/regulations and the consequences of not abiding by them?
How do you understand the rules? do you see their importance?

From our list of values, pick the top 3 that are most important to you and that you would like to be discussed in our next session.
Thank you. :-)

08/13 - Recap

Thank you Ladies!
As this was quite a session with another "bloom" moment.
We started off with announcement that starting next week, our session will run from 9:15 to 11am. Then we dove right in with our discussion continuing from the finance. The ladies agreed that "you must be happy on your own  before getting together with someone else for relationship and to be that happy, you must work on yourself by doing all the necessary things to clear problems in your own life first before getting into a relationship" - some of the examples of things to do to make yourself happy include:
     - taking the time to know yourself, being honest in determining what makes you happy,
     - clearing up your credit history
     - getting a job
     - living within your means or what you and only you get afford on your own
     - determining the type of person you want in a partner for a relationship, ... etc.
Then the 1st question from one of the lady was: "Would you date someone who owes child support?" "No, for a serious relationship"; "ok for just casual relationship"; and "depends on the story and the circumstances involved" - this last one got the consensus of many ladies.
As the discussion subsided, some feelings that the ladies have been hiding away came up to surface with one of them finally saying out loud her feelings about the families that have  been asked to leave the shelter due to various reasons that the ladies can only speculate about. With a kind reminder of no gossiping, we focused more on their feelings about the event. The following are some of how they felt:
 * a wake up call to watch attitude, to re-focus back onto goal
 * sad to see them go
 * hurt
 * mixed feelings (feels that some deserve it but not others and yet sad to still see them leave)
 * scared - unexpected, shocked as didn't see it coming
 * really hurt for the kids as they were heartbroken to suddenly lose their friends
 * gave a reminder that you are in a glass house being watched constantly
Session ended in the middle of this discussion.
My take:  I intend to continue a bit more with their feeling next week before diving back into our regular discussion.  - See questions for next week.

08/06 - Recap

Today was quite an interesting session.
We had a very engaging exchanges about finances in the couple/partners relationships.
The role and the degree of financial contribution partners must bring into the relationship.
We debated questions such as: should a potential partner's financial stability factor into the decision to have and keep the partnership? Should it always be the men only to provide? ... etc.
In the midst of the exchanges, we had a "bloom" moment. - one of the lady voiced her opinion equaling marriage to 'legalized prostitution' where the stay-at-home-wife is exchanging her services for her husband's needs and wants.  Needless to write about the reactions that followed. I call this a 'bloom' moment because it offered an opportunity to friendly remind the ladies that no matter how hurtful someone's opinion might be, we have the power to chose how much or how deep it affects us. And also that, there is always more to the story than the obvious and that should factor into how deep we let others opinion's affect us. - That was our bloom moment.
Then we went back to discussing finances in couple relationship.
We concluded the session with the following:
* $$$ must be seriously discussed before things get serious between partners
* Not to undervalue the importance of $$$ in a relationship
* recognize that $$$ (its excess or lack thereof) do change/affect people

My Take: To the ladies' question:  what is my opinion on finance in couple? I responded that my opinion is evolving and changing as I grow and change. However, it is my belief that no matter what, a lady must have her source of income, or at minimum, acquired the education, knowledge, and marketable skills that she can put to use should she need to.
And to also be and stay true to herself and not lie to herself just to satisfy people's opinions.

07/30

We finalized the organization of the list.
Then the conversation centered around answering this question: " its there such things as too much information between partners?"
Yes - with regards to:
                    - complimenting the beauty of other opposite sex people (as such a boyfriend complimenting on the beauty of a female stranger or known)
                    - partners' bodily functions
No - because:
                     - every conversation is an opportunity to learn who the partner is, what s/he likes, dislikes, his/her believes, priorities, what matters to him/her, how s/he things ... etc.

The ladies gave many examples to illustrate what they mean and to back up their believes.
We concluded the session with most ladies agreeing that the "ex-conversation" or talking about the ex-relationship is very important because it provides really good ideas about the partner's conception about relationship and what can possible affect their current relationship.

Recap of 07/09

Since the categories mentioned in our previous session, are still to be done, by vote of hands, we decided to start our focus on communication within couples or the best communication with our partners.  - The question: Is there such thing as Too much communication, or too much information between partners?
For the Yes - vote: on the beauty of ex, or other opposite sex-people
                             on body functions such as jokes with farting, pooping, ... etc
                              on especially confidential health info about own-family members
For the No - vote: even communication about ex(es) are important because they give an insight into who the partner is, they provide opportunity to learn the characters of the partner.


My take - on this, goes with the Ewe-say: "too many meats never spoil the sauce" - Thus, NO there is no such thing as too much communication or TMI between partners. ( will elaborate later as this sub-session comes to its end.)

To be continued.....

Notes of 07/02

We started with: What is the best relationship you should be having with your partners? (Partners = lover, spouse, companion, any form and shape and conception of partners WITH commitment).
The followings are the responses:
Same parenting style
Cordial
Trust ****
Respect ****
Communication ***** (effective conflict resolution, no verbal, or psychological/mental abuses)
Stay true to yourself * (being yourself)
Maintain self freedom
Feeling safe
Passion
Unconditional Love without judgement
Forgiveness
Support for each other
Good relationship with in-laws *
Affection
Attention
Having fun
Being and feeling Valued **
No Co-dependency
No Hate
No Poisoning
Intimacy
Honesty
Boundaries
Equal Responsibilities
Compromise
Similar interest
Same level of intelligence * (IQ)
Happiness**
Listening
Open relationship
Monogamy* (Faithfulness)
Financial Stability**
Commitment **
Same Religion
Religion Tolerance
Same Political Views
Same sexual drive

Theses, in my opinion, are to be organized into categories (as some are run-ons) in order to focus our  upcoming discussions and get more effective and efficient results from them.
So, do you see and can suggest the categories in which we can organize these?


Chart as organized at our 07/09 session:

Values Communication *****(effective conflict resolution no verbal, or psychological/mental abuses) Same parenting style No Co-dependency Honesty Similar interest Same level of intelligence * (IQ) Open relationship Monogamy* (Faithfulness) Commitment ** Same Religion Same Political Views Cordial Trust **** Respect **** Forgiveness Good relationship with in-laws * Having fun Religion Tolerance Compromise Listening Boundaries Stay true to yourself * (being yourself) Maintain self freedom

Finance Financial Stability** Support for each other Equal Responsibilities

Emotion / Others Feeling safe Passion Unconditional Love without judgment Affection Attention Being and feeling Valued ** Happiness** No Poisoning No Hate Same sexual drive Intimacy